The Burrito Incidents, Parts I & II

From Lynn:

Part I
"We are here. In Maine. I am getting a little restless with some symptoms of Cabin Fever. Yes, my foot is healing and is no longer purple and as big as an overgrown zucchini. I was not able to personally acquaint myself with the guilty bone spur, the size of a human thumb. It would have made a great pendant. I do use crutches sometimes but that is only for support. I feel fine about driving which apparently there is some difference of opinion on that matter. I tried to take the car out for a spin but [the wife] blocked my way and I couldn't leave. Locking the doors was probably not a good relationship-building move on my part, but I committed an act in desperation and I did let her in once she stopped yelling. Speaking of always acting appropriately, [the writer's wife] had another pushing-the-envelope type of incident the other day. In public. At a restaurant. With people who didn't know her THAT well. So does one apologize for manually squishing someone else's bean burrito or does one assume that everyone knows it was just a joke? Or does one assume that a couple glasses of wine just does that to people and it's okay. My point of view is that there are different standards of appropriate behavior, and that some people may interpret the burrito strangulation as an act of anger or at least not very friendly, and that an apology or at least an explanatory conversation might soothe some jittery social climbers who think decorum in public involves food respect. One friend considered an appetizer "up for grabs", whereas an entree violation would be beyond accepted community standards. He also distinguished between a dry food squeeze as opposed to a mushy refried-bean-and-salsa-type attack. The former was slightly more acceptable than the latter, the latter requiring a hand wipe and that is just going too far. In any case questionable behaviors always result in some type of consequence: passive negativity, active gross out, vicarious rebellion, physically lashing out, various levels in the humor category, or shunning. This is the normal progression of social mores that effectively controls explosive outbursts and maintains our high level of human conduct in our society today. All these reactions are still potentially active for the 8 to 10 women involved. We will see them tonight at a kids' basketball game since that is the only common denominator here. That and gender and not one of them is bald. Phone calls of mild remorse have been made, messages left with members who are suspected of being the most likely to take offense. No returned calls, however, have been received which opens up more advanced speculation. The true test will be in face-to-face contact. Judgments will be made on evidence presented. Criteria will include type and length of eye contact (if any). Length and general tone of conversation (if any), duration and type of physical contact (if any), reference to the Causal Event (if any) and who may be the initiator of contact (e.g. victim, causal agent, neutral third party). Ideally, number values could be attached to help determine the level or degree of inappropriate behavior. "Man, you were up to a level 9 last night" That would prompt an immediate and embarrassed apology. A level 2 or 3 likely could be shrugged of as alcohol induced or generally clueless. Levels 4 through 6 certainly would make you review your conduct and appropriate remedial measures should be introduced in a timely fashion. Level 10. Well, there may be no hope and the consequence may be permanent. One friend (the entree vs. appetizer guy) thought the highly effective Code Red/Orange/Yellow system that has won universal appeal for its clear, effective, concise service in winning our War on Terror, could be adapted. I objected, thinking that these types of behavioral situations are far more complex and require much more consideration than assignments to the color wheel. At any rate the real victim in this drama is the burrito owner. She APPEARS to be un-phased by the Situation and ate her burrito anyway. Later, [Name Withheld By Request]"

Part II
"K. I don't care if you want to reprint this account since it already has been repeated and much discussed. I think you should proof read it and doctor it up a bit. I still am not clear about the whole Blog idea. Partly this involves my slow grasp of the computer concept and whether they are here to stay. I understand that other people read the Blog, perhaps people you don't even know. I guess if I wrote a novel I would expect people I don't know to read it. Anonymity is critical. The identity of the Burrito Victim-as well as my wife with whom I try in my own way to successfully live--should be concealed. Maybe even change the identity of the burrito. I thought about lasagna or manicotti but then I had a manicotti incident involving [again, his wife] about 20 years ago that still comes up in conversation. Nothing erotic, mind you, just a face plant. So, maybe a pastry, or a dumpling. (Thinkin' New York.) A fast food item like a McNugget would lend a political element but lacks the mess equivalent. An enchilada would be way to coincidental. How about spaghetti or American chop suey? The gush factor would be strong and I think that is important as is familiarity and instant identity. The ethnicity somehow plays a significant role, so I'm thinking the American chop suey. I'm not sure what prompted The Squeeze. I can't remember if I asked about that particular detail or not. Sometimes when you hear a story, the climactic conclusion is so eventful that you forget about the preliminary details and you spend all mental energy trying to analyze what happened. In truth The Squeeze may have simply been a reaction. Something said. The food arrives. A response delivered. Situations just happen. That's the weird thing about boundaries. If you have none--or fewer--a lot of possibilities open up. Thus, if you are having a fun, generic conversation and a tasty-looking food item appears, one reaction would be to eat it. Another possibility would be to engage in counter-spin and render the product into a pulpy, indistinguishable mass. I think the shock effect was dominate, the contradiction effective, the surprise and advantage and the irreverence desirable. Really, I don't know what prompted this. I do know that the reactions at the basketball game were muted. It helped that Will's team pounded their archrival and the kid who Will was guarding (their best scorer) left the game in tears about which we were all very proud. A couple of attendees claimed to have not witnessed the burrito event and were sorry about that. At least one person thought it was funny. Others thought an apology really was not necessary. I felt that there was sufficient eye contact. An adequate degrees of friendliness was available from one and all. Length of conversation seemed significantly brief which is worrisome, but then the basketball game was pre-empting conversation... I did not notice any flagrant snubs so that is good unless that was the goal. Of course everyone who was at the restaurant was not at the game. So the jury is still out I think. This seems to happen a lot with humans. Everything is so damn complex. Are they telling the truth? So do they really not care? Did they really not notice? You just don't know. Then the judicial system was developed to help decipher the Truth and nothing but the Truth. So you have twelve people or whatever who pow wow about what they think happened and try to come up with one answer that sounds pretty good. Maybe they can agree. Or not. Can two people agree on one source of conflict? Did you see that animated movie Hoodwinked? Where you got to see the viewpoints of the different characters and Little Red Riding Hood. Kinda’ opens up your eyes about different points of view. She was a manipulator, and a tramp. Great movie. Then of course inevitably you come around to a comparison to the Last Supper with the twelve guys and all. That was before Equal Opportunity. Yeah, the more I think about it, I think you should really make some changes in the story. Usually, fiction is better than reality since movies, TV, and novels are our basis for reality anyway and they are always good. (However, the radio show "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me", Saturdays 11 AM, on NPR is my all time favorite where reality is really weird and funny both). So I am happy to lend you an idea to riff on. Take it and run and make it your own, but don't feel bad about plagiarism. When the movie comes out I could have a cameo appearance as Myself, like Gloria Allred in Rat Race, one of my top ten, but even then I think I would change my name. Later, [Name Withheld By Request]"